Grotto of the Four Winds
An old woman, tall and husky like a man in disguise, is sitting by a huge fire roasting the most magnificent stag on a spit.WILD MOTHER (BUMPS) SITS AS DESCRIBED WILD MOTHER Just you come closer. Sit by the fire so you can dry your clothes. PRINCE There’s a terrible draft in here. WILD MOTHER All the better to dry you out by. It’ll be even worse when my son’s come home! You’re in the Cave of the Winds. My sons are the Four Winds of the World. PRINCE You have a very harsh voice for an old lady. WILD MOTHER All the better to keep my wild boys under control. PRINCE How do you control the wind? WILD MOTHER See those sacks? Four sacks hanging on the wall? They’re as afraid of those four sacks as you are of the rod behind the mirror. I double ‘em up if they give me any lip and pop them in and there they sit and they don’t come out til I say so. But here comes one of them. ENTER THE NORTH WIND (MINA) WITH ICICLES IN HIS BEARD. HUGE HAILSTONES BOUNCE ON THE FLOOR AND SNOWFLAKES WHIRL ABOUT. PRINCE You’d better not come straight to the fire…. NORTH WIND Who the hell is this, ma? PRINCE Chilblains - you might get them. Granny says…. NORTH WIND Who is this, Ma? How did he get in? WILD MOTHER He’s a guest of mine. SHE POINTS TO A SACK Got a problem with that have ye? NORTH WIND HUNKERS BY THE FIRE NORTH WIND I eat Chilblains for breakfast, you Jessie. PRINCE I’m the Prince in this story. NORTH WIND And I’m the Queen of Sheba! If I kiss you, maybe you’ll turn into a frog. WILD MOTHER That’s enough of that sort of mucky talk. Now. Where have you been, little one? NORTH WIND Arctic Ocean, Ma. With the walrus hunters. WILD MOTHER Was it nice? NORTH WIND Lovely. It’s lovely there. Paradise. PRINCE Paradise? NORTH WIND There’s a floor made of ice and walrus bones to dance on. Polar bear skeletons hang from the walls. They look like giants. See? Mouldy giants dancing in the blizzards. (HE TAKES OUT SKELETON OF AN ARM AND SNIFFS IT) Sun never shines on them, see. (CHEWS A BONE) The walruses, when they swim, they look like giant maggots with pigs’ heads and teeth a yard long. WILD MOTHER You tell a good story, my son. He tells a good story. Well. What happened next? NORTH WIND The hunt. They plunge a harpoon into the breast of the walrus and a streaming jet of blood spurts out onto the ice like a fountain. Then I join in: blow the icebergs about and crush a boat or two. Hear the men shriek! They’ll never come back to Bering Island. WILD MOTHER You’ve been up to mischief, then…. NORTH WIND (HASTILY) Here comes my brother… ENTER WEST WIND (SHOWMAN) WITH A CLUB AND A BABY’S CAP ON, COVERED IN TWIGS AND LEAVES WILD MOTHER Zephyrus! My baby! Where have you been? WEST WIND I’ve been in the wilderness, where Mankind seems Unnecessary. THEY ALL LOOK MEANINGFULLY AT THE PRINCE Who’s that? NORTH WIND A guest. Of mother’s. WEST WIND What a pity. WEST WIND GIVES HIS MOTHER A BIG KISS WILD MOTHER What mischief have you done, you bad wee babby? WEST WIND You shouldn’t tell everything, ma - you know that. I’ve been in paradise. America. It was heavenly. PRINCE Heavenly? WEST WIND No people, see? Just grass and snakes and forests and buffalo and wild geese. And trees. I blew up a storm and the firs and cedars all blew over. Dashed to shavings. HE SCATTERS TOOTHPICKS. ENTER THE SOUTH WINDWOLF (GARDENER) DRAGGING LILY’S COFFIN. THEY WATCH HIM UNTIL HE STOPS AND APPROACHES THE FIRE. SOUTH WIND It’s bloody freezing in here. NORTH WIND It’s hot enough to roast a polar bear! SOUTH WIND You’re a fat, greasy pile of pig’s guts. WILD MOTHER Do you want to go in the sack? Sit. And tell. SOUTH WIND Who’s that? WEST WIND /Nobody. NORTH WIND /Prince Chilblains. NORTH WIND He’s got a box, ma. WEST WIND What’s he got in the box, ma? NORTH WIND What’s in the box? SOUTH WIND Nothing. WEST AND SOUTH WIND He’s lying ma! He’s lying! WILD MOTHER You’re always doing that! He’s always doing that! Who’s inside? SOUTH WIND No-one! Nothing! Sweet F.A! A GREAT CRY ECHOES AROUND THE GARDENWILD MOTHER What have you been up to? Shall we be having Social Services around again? SOUTH WIND I’ve been to the desert. Africa, Ma, honest. Hunting the phoenix with the Hottentot. I find some men butchering a camel to get its water, they’re so thirsty, so I blow up a sandstorm and whip off their skins and bleach their bones. Such a Happy Hunting ground. Elysium. Here. HE TAKES A BONE OUT OF HIS POCKET For the stew. WILD MOTHER Where’s the meat? SOUTH WIND PICKS UP A TOOTH PICK AND PICKS HIS TEETH WILD MOTHER In the sack! March! SOUTH WIND You always pick on me! She always picks on me. SHE STUFFS HIM IN THE SACK AND IT THRASHES ABOUT. THE EAST WIND ENTERS, DRESSED AS A MANDARIN (ARCHITECT) EAST WIND Mother! My brothers! I have been dancing on porcelain towers. In China. WEST WIND Don’t you mean India? WILD MOTHER Have you brought my tea, Easterly? EAST WIND Why is my brother in his sack? Let him out. He has to tell me about the phoenix. The princess of the Garden of Paradise always wants to know about the phoenix. Open the sack, mother, and I’ll give you some green tea from my pocket. WILD MOTHER I know I shouldn’t have favourites…. SHE OPENS THE SACK. THE SOUTH WIND LEAPS OUT, GRABS HIS BOX AND DRAGS IT AWAY. THEY WATCH HIM, PUZZLED WILD MOTHER NOW where are you going? SOUTH WIND (SHOUTING AS HE GOES) Getting rid of evidence, Ma! HE DISAPPEARS INTO THE GARDEN WILD MOTHER Hopeless. Just like his Da. PRINCE Did you say - the Garden of Paradise? EAST WIND Yep. PRINCE The Real Paradise? EAST WIND Yep. PRINCE Not a desert or an ice-floe or a wilderness? EAST WIND Nope. PRINCE Eden? EAST WIND The original, one and only Real McCoy. Go there every hundred years. Seems like only yesterday. But it’s time again. Going there tomorrow. WILD MOTHER What about a bite to eat first? PRINCE Will you take me with you? EAST WIND After food and sleep. Time to sleep. THE PRINCE SLEEPS. THE CAVE OF WINDS DISAPPEARS.